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the most obnoxious woman i’ve ever waited on was almost a full foot shorter than me.  i’m not tall.  I’m 5’7″.  she and her husband were part of a larger party that came into molly’s on a busy weekend night to try us out, and the rest of this party seemed to want nothing to do with these two.  they’d all waited for a good while to be seated and so a few of them had drinks they’d got from the bar by the time they sat down at the table i’d prepared.

the woman was the first thing i heard before i even arrived at the table.  the most shrill, glass-shattering bird voice i’d ever heard.  she was still standing, hovering with her empty drink after everyone had been seated.  she was so fucking skinny it was uncomfortable to look at her and she had ballooned, cartoonish fake boobs and the orange complexion of an oregon fake-baker.  what she was talking about i don’t even remember.  it seemed like she was laughing with someone else, but when i approached i realized she wasn’t talking to anyone.  she was just laughing and standing near her man.

there’s a special feeling you get as a waiter when a table makes an awful dread descend on you before you’ve even had a chance to say hello.  the sight of this woman gave me the fucking suicide chills.  i was instantly embarrassed for her and wanted to hide.  my instinct was to give the table away to another server, but i decided that’d be too dramatic.  i was gonna handle these guys.

i greeted the table, half of whom seemed too ashamed of bird lady even to take notice of me.  it made me nervous.  i made my way toward her warily, writing down drink orders as i went and hoping there wouldn’t be problem.  bird lady’s husband was a half-athletic, heavy-set middle-aged dude, the kind with a tommy bahama button-up, a close shave and a confused look.  i knew him for bird lady’s man at the sight of him, and you would’ve, too.

when i got to bird lady to ask if she needed something, she was already putting her hands on me and very loudly asking for a drink.  “WHAT DID I HAVE BEFORE?  WHAT AM I DRINKING?”  laugh laugh laugh.   i backed away a little to send her a discreet message.  when i came back with everyone’s drinks, she pulled the same shit.  she touched me.  she yelled more questions.  everyone else at that table looked like they wanted to get up and leave.  they eyeballed the menus and pretended everything was ok.   i still have no idea why they were all there together.  but there was some talk at the table about trying the balls of fire, mollys’ signature spicy food challenge, and bird lady was off and running with VERY LOUD jokes about hot balls.  she was in my face with that shit, too.  i reluctantly gave her the drink she’d ordered, looking to her man for some fucking sign that he was gonna reign her in or at least get her to sit down.  dude just stared at me.

(continued tomorrow)

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