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my least favorite customer of all time from molly’s was arrested this week.  i’m actually pretty surprised.

if you’d asked me over the six years that i’ve known him (let’s call him xanax) if i’d get any satisfaction from his being arrested, i probably would’ve said yes, but i never would’ve guessed that he was headed toward this at all.  xanax has annoyed the shit out of me forever and has made countless dozens of innocents among our staff and clientele uncomfortable–either by one-sided, inappropriate conversation or by one-sided, inappropriate touching.  but i’ve always thought he was harmless.

xanax moved into the neighborhood of molly’s right around the time i was hired there in ’04.  his routine with all the employees is to introduce himself and try to find any common ground at all–and then use it as a segue into talking about himself, his friends, his boring life, and his parents–who live overseas and who pay for everything in his world.  xanax speaks a bunch of languages and has the looks and soft hands of a man who’s never worked a day.  xanax pops pills.  xanax talks with a rushed, pushy, gay sing-song and wants to know if you’ve been working out, because you look great.  he talks about accomplished artist friends who have never made an appearance with him at molly’s and he drinks like alcohol is due for a fucking rapture.  he comes in with different people all the time (mostly women), none of whom seem either close to or interested in him.  they usually pay.  he’ll try to con bartenders for drinks, but he’ll kick you smokes if you need ’em.  he’ll be needy as fuck, but he’ll leave you a decent tip when it’s his money.  he’ll ask a disarming question about what you’re doing with yourself, but he’ll do it with his hands on you.  i tried for years to get xanax 86ed from molly’s, and not by myself.  but he always either had the right friend in the staff to make that impossible–or our owners just insisted he had to be served because he spent so much money all the time.

i do hate the shit out of xanax, but when i heard he’d been arrested, i couldn’t be happy about it.  we’d recently 86ed him after a situation in which he stated loudly to the whole bar that one of our male bartenders refused to serve him.  xanax explained that he’d been refused because the bartender was “A TRANSSEXUAL IN TRANSITION–AND YOU KNOW HOW THEY GET!”  he’d had been on thin ice already from pending transgressions in the bar, so this finally got him busted.  even up to this point, about a week ago, i would’ve still said he was harmless.

but what i heard today was nuts.  even though it’s fragmented information and doesn’t make sense, it’s all we know. xanax’s arrest was for burglary, theft and for assault.  my boss told me that he’d broken into a lady’s house and was cutting up shit she owned with a knife and was taking half of what he cut.  he got caught with a half-brick of cheese and unfortunately he used the knife to retain it (nasty aggravating factor in multnomah county).  the real shit, though–and none of us knows the particulars of this–is that xanax fucking stabbed a dude with this knife!  stabbed!  he’s in jail!  with no bail!  crazy.  our xanax finally got too strung out on pills to keep it together.  i’m pretty pleased we were spared this kind of violent outburst at molly’s, but part of me thinks i would laugh if i saw fruity xanax going at some dude with a cheese knife.

if i ever see him again, i’ll think twice before i get tough with him!


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